Wordless

This summer has taken a lot of things from me.  I've seemed to have fallen into a depression that has made me wordless and less productive both at work and at home.  I started blogging because I wanted people to see that yes, I have a busy life but I'm okay and life is a gift that's so precious.  It seems that my bubble has finally burst and the weight of my problems has come down hard on my shoulders.  I now see how truly difficult my life is going to be with my children and that it's going to be a long uphill battle to get the help they need.

My stomach has been in knots just thinking about it.  I think I was fine with Ian's diagnosis because we expected it and we just wanted to know what the next step was to get him help.  Amy is a different story.  All these years I thought she was just bad and defiant and that everything was caused from her ADHD.  Even the teachers at her school chaulked it up to her ADHD, demanding that her medication needed to be increased or changed.  Now with the question of Aspergers on my brain, I consider all the time we've wasted on medication when all she really needed was one on one therapy.  All the times I've been mad at her when she truly couldn't help herself for acting out.  We've put all our focus on Ian and then Lyla because of course she's a baby, that we haven't been able to pick up on these other signs that seemed to go unnoticed.  Now that I see evidence of Aspergers in Amy everyday, it's like another stone has been added to burdening sack on my back.

It's not fair!  Why must my life be such a struggle?  I struggled through every part of it.  I struggled to breath when I was born and my lung collapsed.  I struggled through diabetes when I was diagnosed at 11.  I struggled through school and felt stupid because I had learning disabilities and couldn't read, which they finally discovered in Grade 7.  I struggled through abuse from my peers in school, being teased and bullied and hated showing my face in class every day.  I struggled through my first marriage which failed.  All of my pregnancies, and then all of my childrens births, they all struggled to breath even when everything was done to prevent that from happening.  I just want something to go smoothly for a change.  To have a normal child that doesn't need to see doctors every couple of months, just learns from us and has hardly any struggles.  Is that too much to ask for?

I also am upset with my performance at work, or lack thereof.  It's like I just have too much to think about at home to even consider trying to think about what to do at work and I've been missing alot of time because I just simply go there and look around in a daze.  I know my family is talking about me missing so much work and I feel guilty about it but I know that I'm the only one in our family working right now and I need to continue.  The stress of everything is finally making me crack and I just don't think I can handle my life, somethings gotta give.

Lesley