I was just reading my last couple of posts and it brings me back to the darkness I felt back then. Last summer I walked into the pharmacy and just started crying waiting for my prescriptions to be ready. I was so overwhelmed with my own illnesses and Ian was being particularly hard to manage that I just couldn't handle another thing at that moment. The pharmacy is in the bottom of the Medical Center where my Dr.'s office was so I went up the elevator and asked to see him, clearly they could see I was troubled. I was lucky to get in quickly because I just could not stop crying. I'm not a person who cries easily, I hold it in as hard as I can, I like to look stronger on the outside then I am on the inside because I don't want others so see how truly vulnerable I am. I go through life thinking I can handle things on my own and being proud of how I can handle my life when clearly I wasn't. My doctor gave me a prescription for antidepressants and pointed out how Ian's behaviours clearly stood out from what I was telling him.
Since then another blow has been added to my overly burdened plate. In January we found out that Lyla our youngest at 3 years old, has also been diagnosed with Autism. It was very hard for me to accept at first. She was slow with her speech but at that time it was picking up and she was showing ups how smart she was, but I do see a lot of Amy in her at this age so I know deep down that it's there.
Even though this might be a burden, I feel so much love for my children. They are my kids, they are beautiful and I'm so grateful to have them no matter what faults they have. We are so lucky to not have children that are struggling to just live, they are indeed healthy. They are so smart it's unbelievable to me sometimes at the things they know and the things they can do. My children are not a burden, the burden is that society doesn't know how to treat them and we have to figure out how to raise our kids to meet with society's way of living. We're also very lucky to have developed a good surrounding of support for our family. I know how fortunate we are to have a wonderful tutor in Ian's life who cares for him as if he was his own. I know how rare it is to have such a connection with the people who are caring for your kids but I do and it's working for both of us. I only pray now that as Ian goes into Kindergarten he'll get another great tutor that'll care for him as a person. I also am really praying that Lyla will get her IBI therapy through Ian's tutor so that she can remain active in our kids lives. She'll always be an angel to us.....love you Ginger!
I'm better now, I know I can't change my children's diagnosis but I can love them and be their mother. I'll fight for them and do as much as I physically can for them and hope and pray that they turn out alright. Deep down I know they'll be alright.